20 Nov On Your Own – The Retirement Manifesto
As we age, it’s normal to become more empathetic toward widows and widowers. We see friends go through the struggle of losing their spouse and deal with that difficult transition into widowhood. We begin to realize that, if we’re married, the odds are either we or our spouse will face the same transition in the future.
Yes, it’s called widowhood. But on a broader scale, it’s all about navigating the grief and transition from years of marriage to a new life of being On Your Own. It’s one of the largest transitions we face in life, but it doesn’t get the press it deserves.
Like retirement, it’s a topic we should all plan for.
Like retirement, it’s a transition you cannot fully understand until you experience it firsthand.
If you’re a regular reader of The Retirement Manifesto, you’re likely a planner. If you’re like me, you see value in learning from others who are a few steps ahead of you on the journey of life.
Today, we have a special post, written by a woman who is an expert on the transition into widowhood. Mary Donahue, Ph.D., has not only lived through the loss of her spouse but she’s co-written a book on the topic. In her words, she’s been forced to “turn the page,” and reading about her firsthand experience provides insight I’m unable to provide. I’m also sharing the story of Jonathan Clements, a fellow blogger who recently discovered he has terminal cancer and is doing everything he can to ease the upcoming transition for his wife.
I learned a lot while reading their words.
I think you’ll benefit, as well.
We should prepare for widowhood, just like we prepared for retirement. Today, a look at the transition to being On Your Own, from those who are living it. Share on X
When a woman realizes that her coupled life has ended and she is now a widow she is devastated. So many thoughts and feelings swirl within her.
- What does this mean?
- How will I survive?
- What do I need to do next?
- Who will help me?
- Do I need help?
- Where will I get it?
Regardless of the circumstances accompanying this loss, sudden or anticipated, she is frightened in addition to being sad and often angry. Regardless of how she feels she is forced to turn the page on a new chapter in her life.
I lost my husband suddenly when my daughters were 10 and 15. At the time I was working part-time. I had little knowledge of our financial situation, even though my husband had tried without success to get me to sit down with him and review our finances on numerous occasions.
I was adrift.
Shock and overpowering grief engulfed me.
So many unanswered questions. I was painfully aware of my new reality. Fortunately, we had a financial planner with whom I had had limited contact. She knew more about my finances than I did. She was available to provide me with answers and steps to get where I needed to be.
The combination of losing a loved one and not knowing how you are going to survive financially compounds one’s emotional response to that loss. Having gone through this frightening experience and come out on the other side I wanted to provide help to others in better understanding where they are, the grief experience, and the recognition that there is light at the end of what feels like a very dark tunnel.
Alexandra Armstrong was the financial planner we had selected to help us develop a financial plan. Alex lost her father when she was 8 and had witnessed her mother’s financial struggles. This life experience led to her devoting her professional life to helping others with their financial lives. When she inherited me, I was very difficult. I resisted assuming responsibility for making decisions of any kind. Agonizing over what my husband would have wanted to do or my father but definitely not me. It required her to shake me up and give me a somewhat stern, teacher-like lecture as to my new role and my ability to get where I needed to go.
Writing A Book To Help Others
Based on our mutual life experiences with the impact of early loss, Alex and I wanted to help others better understand what they were experiencing and how to meet the many new demands facing them. Our underlying theme in the resulting book, On Your Own (Amazon Affiliate link), is the fact that you can do this. You have the inner strength you do not know you have to address all you need to address. Each one’s personality characteristics will play a role in how they begin their individual journey. Some women will seek support from family and friends while others will want to grieve on their own terms and seek information online or with designated professionals. Knowing yourself will help you determine how you need to move forward.
The Steps To Living On Your Own
It is important to identify and organize the financial information needed to settle the estate and manage daily life. The process of getting the financial aspects in order will allow her to feel she has better control of her life and realize she is not afloat and unanchored.
There are 3 professionals that many women will need to deal with while settling the estate. They are:
- an attorney,
- an accountant
- a financial planner.
It is important to understand the role each of these professionals is likely to play throughout this process. Some estates will be in much better shape than others and the amount of work required to complete the process will be determined in part by the size of the estate and the order in which it has been left for the bereaved.
Some widows feel overwhelmed by the number of individuals who need to be contacted and apprised of the demise of their spouse. It is often helpful to enlist family and friends to help comprise this list as well as make the necessary contacts. In today’s world, some of this can be handled online which does not require the widow to engage in any conversation which may feel like a chore bringing back memories of happier times. Obvious entities are the bank, the mortgage holder if you own a house, the Social Security Administration, credit card companies, and insurance agents. There are also lesser entities such as clubs, fitness facilities, etc.
Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other
After the widow has put in place what needs to be done to settle the estate she should feel somewhat more in control. The time has come to allow herself to move on and look toward the future. While it is so difficult to imagine a life without a loved one a more pressing issue might be what is going to happen to me financially. Ruminations along these lines may increase her feelings of helplessness, sadness, depression, and anxiety. For some these feelings might even be paralyzing.
Putting together her current sources of income and expenses as well as her anticipated income and expenses may help allow her to contemplate her future. This exercise will allow her to determine whether or not she has sufficient income to cover her present expenses as well as her anticipated expenses. How will her lifestyle be impacted? Does she have sufficient funds to maintain her current lifestyle or is it necessary to make some changes?
Even if the news is not good at least you have a place to start and an opportunity to identify to whom you might want to turn for help. None of this happens overnight. It takes some time, putting one foot in front of the other but always moving and inching forward.
At this juncture too, the widow needs to review, what we call her financial conditioning. What is her attitude toward money, how did it come to be and how has it affected her life? What is her risk tolerance when it comes to spending money, putting money in savings, or investing money? With the combination of her awareness of her financial needs and her attitude toward money, she can begin to do some short-term and longer-term planning.
Once a widow has put together where she is financially, she can begin to think about what her financial life might look like in the next chapter of her life.
At this point in her journey, the widow may be ready to allow herself to focus on perhaps what might be considered less important aspects of daily life. They have probably been put on a very back burner. They include socialization, diet and nutrition, exercise, other pursuits of interest for which there might have been no time, dating, travel, and perhaps even sex. Many of these considerations need to be viewed from the perspective of where the widow is in the life cycle. A widow in her forties will find herself in a very different space than a widow in her seventies. Regardless of her age, every widow should be able to design a financially sound, meaningful, and enriched life for herself and her significant others over time.
In 2023 my co-author was widowed following the death of her husband following a long illness. In the resulting 6th edition of our book, On Your Own, we came together once more to provide our readers with our joint perspective on widowhood in the age of the internet. It has always been our mission to provide all widows a blueprint for moving from abject sadness to hope and optimism,
A Writer With Cancer
Fritz here, with a sincere “Thank You!” to Mary for sharing her experience of transitioning into widowhood. I’ve also decided to add a section that is a must-read for anyone planning for the widowhood of their spouse. Jonathan Clements is an amazing writer at Humble Dollar who recently discovered he has cancer. His article announcing that reality to the world is linked below and should be read by everyone:
The fact that Jonathan is my age and a fellow blogger raised my awareness of the brevity of life and the importance of making the transition as easy as possible for your spouse. His transparency in continuing to write on the topic as he moves toward his unavoidable death offers a rare insight into the steps he’s taking as a financial professional and writer planning for his wife’s transition. His latest post, “On The Clock” was written on Aug 17th, and struck me with his positive mindset as he chooses to “make the most of every day, doing what I love and trying mightily to fend off life’s nonsense.”
My prayers are with you and your family, Jonathan. You’re an inspiration for all of us.
Steps I Plan To Take
In closing, I’ve added this section to summarize the key lessons I learned from Mary and Jonathan’s words, and the action I’m planning with my wife as a result:
1. Hire A Planner: Yes, I’ve been a lifelong DIY’er. However, if I depart this world and my wife is left alone, I know she’ll need the help of an expert planner. In that vein, I’ve taken two steps: 1) In my annual “Love Letter” to my wife (updated with our current Net Worth, passwords, and instructions), I’ve directed her to contact a financial planner I trust to help her through the process. The second step is committing to myself that if I’m still around by age 75, I’ll hire a planner to take over our finances. I know there’s a risk of mental decline, and I’d rather do it myself than force the task onto my wife. We could debate the timing, but I’ve settled on my mid-70s to pull that trigger.
2. Read “On Your Own”: Mary was generous to send me a copy of her book. My wife saw it on the counter and asked “Is there something I should know?” We had a chuckle, but there is a serious point about the need to plan for the very real possibility that my wife will outlive me. I plan on having my wife and I read the book and then discuss what we’ve learned and how we can better plan for the future.
3. Simplify Our Accounts: Reading about the steps Jonathan is taking to smooth the transition for his wife has been eye-opening. He has been surprised by the amount of work required to simplify things to the fullest extent possible and has motivated me to begin doing the same with our financial affairs.
4. Review Our Estate Plan: Yes, we have a will, health directive, and appropriate powers of attorney in place. However, it’s been years since we’ve “dusted them off,” and I think a refresh is in order. Watch for future posts on the topic (if you have suggestions, please jump in with your comments). I also keep an updated “Love Letter” for my wife, with instructions on the steps she should take in the event of my death and a list of passwords and contacts for all of our financial affairs. I’ll be adding the suggestion that she reread “On Your Own.”
Conclusion
If you’re married, the reality is that either you or your spouse will likely be widowed in the years ahead. Yes, it’s a grim thought, but it’s reality and we’ll be doing our spouse a disservice if we don’t address it while we still can.
Again, a special word of thanks to Mary Donahue for taking the time to write today’s guest post. This topic is best served by one who has lived it, and I could think of no better person to address the reality of the transition to being “On Your Own” than the person who wrote the book on the topic.
Also, a note to Jonathan, if you happen to see this article. Thank you for all you’ve done in the writing community over the years, and I’d like to give a special acknowledgment of your chosen approach to dealing with your cancer diagnosis. Your humility is inspiring, and the world continues to learn from you during this most challenging trial. Thank you for your transparency, and for teaching us how to live the best life with every day we’re given.
Your Turn: If you’re married, what are you doing to smooth the transition for your spouse in the event of your death? Looking over Mary’s words, what most resonated with you? Finally, what are you learning from Jonathan’s experience in preparing for his unavoidable death? Let’s chat…