Permission | Kathy’s Retirement Blog

Thank you to everyone who sent encouragement, advice and ideas after my last post.  These are all things we can use at one time or another during our lives.  Another is permission. I decided to take some of your advice as well as my own.  Delving deep I realized so much of what I was feeling had gripped me shortly after retiring.  Remember Robert Achley?  He’s the researcher who defined the stages of retirement.  After reading about his research, I wrote, “retirement is such a major life transition requiring a redefining of our very role in life that no matter how much we plan, we’re bound to experience at least some of the stages.”  For anyone who hasn’t read that very early post, it’s in my website header.  It has continued to be a much read post, so I keep it there for easy access.

Well, after caregiving, going to Italy, building a new house, here I was in the Disillusionment Stage all over again, trying to redefine my role in life. Like work, caregiving provided structure and purpose for me.  While Martin’s passing was difficult, it also offered relief.  He was at peace.  I felt peace.  Consequently, despite my grief, I embarked on the Honeymoon Stage again, that phase where we feel untethered, free to do whatever we want.  Ahhh, but it kept me busy.  Too busy perhaps.  Distracted. Building the house supplied both structure and meaning as well as enjoyment.  Then, the restlessness of disillusionment began seeping in again.

While I received many heartfelt comments, there was one that struck a chord.  A comment that caused me to realize the answer was right in front of me all the time.  It was one from Jean of JeansGarden.wordpress.com, who writes,  “In retirement, I have given myself permission not to have a single passion or purpose, but to make contributions as I see the need and have the skills.”  So simple.  So pure. Jean has given herself the authority to just be who she is and take what comes.  This reminded me of the ancient philosopher, Lao Tzu who spoke about just being and accepting change without resistance as fighting change only creates sorrow.  As I’ve written many, many times the only thing in life we can be sure of is change.  Yet, here I was resisting it, looking for structure in my life, looking for control of my life, looking for meaning and purpose when perhaps my meaning and purpose was to just be.

Lao Tzu also spoke to the idea of mastering oneself as therein lies our true power and ability to grow.  I always looked at mastering myself as being disciplined and organized. When I worked, when I was a caregiver, those were attributes, which served me well.  However, I also tried controlling events, which is how I learned that fighting change only creates pain.  Accepting what is happening is so much easier than suffering over it.  It’s also much healthier for body, mind and spirit.

I yield to attempting to find meaning and purpose.  I have done a lot in my life and I mean A LOT!  Perhaps this is my time, to give myself permission to just be, to use an overly used phrase, to stop and smell the roses, to rejoice in my life whatever may come, to garden, to cook, to practice yoga, to enjoy my family and friends and my cats, to continue my newly found volunteer work in my new community, to sleep late, sip the wine, to go to lunch with friends, read books and go to book club, to enjoy doing the dishes and cleaning the floors, to be grateful for water, food, clothing, a roof over my head and waking up every morning, to relish the changing of the seasons, to let snowflakes fall on my tongue, to smell the awakening of the earth each spring, to decorate for holidays, to just be. 

I give myself permission.

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